Thu Feb 09 2012

Rhonda Chriss Lokeman

Gonzales between the lines
September 2, 2007

A corrected transcript of the resignation letter by Alberto Gonzales:

      Original: "Thirteen years ago, I entered public service to make a positive difference in the lives of others.''

      Corrected: My client asked me to come to Washington to hide his mistakes from the nation, like we did in that DUI business in Texas.

      Original: "I have traveled a remarkable journey, supported by the unwavering love and encouragement of my wife, Rebecca, and our sons, Jared, Graham and Gabriel.''

      Corrected: Like other Texas Bushies, I came from Houston to find unwavering love and support from Karen, Dick, Scooter, George and Karl.

      Original: "Yesterday I met with President Bush and informed him of my decision to conclude my government service as attorney general of the United States effective as of September 17th, 2007."

      Corrected: George has no further use for me. But we maintain attorney-client privilege. I cannot discuss any role in cover-ups about domestic spying and fired U.S. attorneys, torture at Gitmo and Abu Ghraib, roughing up a hospitalized old Missouri lawman and former U.S. attorney general, and any more shady dealings. Despite congressional inquiries, I leave on my own terms.

      Original: "It's been one of my greatest privileges to lead the Department of Justice."

      Corrected: I take pride in putting my personal stamp on an otherwise venerable institution. Not since J. Edgar Hoover has the Department of Justice been this messed up for personal political gain. I, the first Latino attorney general, helped the Bushies put the "us'' in Justice on this side of the millennium.

      Original: "I have great admiration and respect for the men and women who work here."

      Corrected: Couldn't have done it without you guys. Pay no attention to those disloyal senior aides and whistleblowers who have either testified before Congress or grabbed their integrity and fled the building like it's on fire.

      Original: "I have made a point as attorney general to personally meet as many of them as possible, and today I want to again thank them for their service to our nation."

      Corrected: I especially want to thank the Gonzales Eight for their sacrifices to the cause of the triumph of politics over justice. Monica Goodling will always have a special place in my heart.

      Original: "It is through their continued work that our country and our community remain safe."

      Corrected: Let's get those shredders up and running through Sept. 15, folks. Ready, set, redact!

      Original: It is through their continued work ... that the rights and civil liberties of our citizens are protected."

      Corrected: Thanks to Patriot I, II and our blatant disregard for the FISA court and Geneva Conventions, and especially to congressional cowardice, we Bushies could see all evil, hear all evil and speak no evil.

      Original: "We live in the greatest country in the world, and I have lived the American dream."

      Corrected: But what was good enough for this ancestor of Mexican immigrants ain't good enough for you. No green card, no work-ee! Adios, if you are an undocumented alien with a kid born here, you paid taxes here, educated your child here, worked hard at low wages to invigorate manufacturing and agribusiness, and otherwise were law-abiding.

      Original: "Even my worse days as attorney general have been better than my father's best days."

      Corrected: It was fun while it lasted.

      Original: "I am profoundly grateful to President Bush for his friendship and the many opportunities he has given me."

      Corrected: Executive privilege has its privileges. See you back at the ranch, big guy.

      Original: "Thank you, and God bless America."

      Corrected: I came, I saw, I conquered. Is this a great country or what?

      Rhonda Chriss Lokeman (lokeman@kcstar.com) is a columnist for The Kansas City Star. To find out more about Rhonda Chriss Lokeman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2007 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.

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Rhonda Chriss Lokeman

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