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Sat Nov 22 2008

Columns

Alexander Cockburn

Muzzle those pigs! Shoot those pigeons! Parables of the Nanny State
May 23, 2002

Parable No. 1: The Propane Valve Crisis

In California and other states across this great nation, we have been confronting deadlines on new propane bottle valves. I speak of the mostly 5-gallon propane gas bottles soon to be seen in trailer parks, on RV's, Webber BBQ's, boats, back porches and street kitchens. You name it, and there's probably a 5-gallon propane bottle around somewhere.

I recently came across a vivid illustration of the passion aroused by this crisis in Butte County, in the Chico area of Northern California. The local propane distributor told my host, Jeff Howell, that he 'd been physically attacked twice in the past four weeks by angered denizens of trailer parks.

Why was he attacked?

The answer can be traced to the run-up in propane gas prices in recent years, which has prompted more and more small stores like 7/11 to sell propane. The inexperienced propane dispenser simply fills the bottle till clouds of propane inform the dispenser that it's time to stop. The overfilled propane bottle is taken to the back porch, where, perhaps, it sits in the sun and warms up until gas passes through the escape valve, ready for possible accidental ignition by someone lighting a cigarette. Somewhere in this great nation a propane gas valve maker smelled the heady fragrance of opportunity and prompted his lobbyist to action.

Regulations duly decreed that all 5 and 7 gallon propane bottles be refitted by April 1 of this year with new valves with (a) an internal float to prevent overfilling and (b) a new wide track thread to enable a trouble-free fitting to the propane bottle of the gas hose leading to the relevant appliance.

Counties in California are dealing with this in various ways. Here in Humboldt County you can turn in your old bottle at various sites and, in exchange for around $24, get a new 5 gallon bottle filled with propane. Not a bad deal.

In Butte County, the original plan had been to have people turn in their bottles to the propane dealer, who had set up a mighty vise to hold the bottle while some low-paid toiler drained out the propane and used spark-free brass equipment to take out the old valve and put in the new one. Cost of operation: around $28. Walmart is now selling 5 gallon propane bottles in Butte County for $23.95. The propane dealer will only accept the old bottles for a fee of $6.

Scrap metal recyclers won't crush the bottles because they might contain propane and would explode in the crusher.

There's a growing mountain of old propane bottles in a lot on the edge of Chico, Calif., all slowly leaking propane.

There's also a growing tendency of people in trailer parks and similar venues to dump their useless propane bottles in the canyon or a ditch, sometimes after assaulting the propane distributor for refusing to fill the old and now illegal bottles.

The summer will bring fresh excitement to Lake Tahoe when boat owners toss their useless old propane bottles, some of them with a gallon or two of propane in them, over the side, thus creating depth charges ready to detonate when the next water ski boat scythes into them at 50 knots.

There's no evidence that anyone has been killed by gas leaking from an overfilled propane bottle, excluding the random fatalities suffered by the sort of people who use lawn mowers to trim their hedges.

There's probably a greater risk of being bitten to death by pigs. Muzzle those pigs!

Parable No. 2: That Certain Tingle

My friend Pierre Sprey called up from Maryland, and I told him the propane bottle saga. We derided the Nanny State. Pierre designed the F-16 and the A-10. These days he runs Mapleshade Studios, and concerns himself these days with high-end sound. He keeps an eye on new equipment and was thus in a position to inform me of the latest European Community regulations from Brussels as applied to amplifiers.

Now, anyone who has ever assembled a sound system will know that there is a moment when you have to attach the speaker wires to the back of the amplifier, usually by wrapping the bare end of the wire around a nut on the back of the amplifier and tightening down a plastic-covered screw.

In their wisdom, the safety experts of the EU have decided that amplifiers represent a deadly threat and that Europeans stand at risk of electrocuting themselves while connecting up their speakers to the amplifier. The facts? Pierre tells me that the back of a large amplifier could put out 40 or 50 volts, and if you disconnect the speakers, switch on the amplifier, turn the volume to maximum and grip both posts, you might feel a tingle at that level.

In order to achieve security for all Europeans the Euro-bureaucrats have mandated that all amplifiers have to have a big plastic surround covering the base of the binding post and a big plastic nut that fits down into the cup, thus ensuring that prying fingers can never touch bare brass of a binding post. Out the window go simple spade connectors.

Safety carries a price, of course. In this instance, the price includes impaired sound because of the plastic around the post and wire. Pierre explains that plastic causes dielectric absorption, soaking up energy from the field around the wire. This takes excitement out of music because it compresses peaks. It also re-releases music with a little delay, so the sound is blurred.

No evidence that Europeans have been dying of tingling post syndrome. The risk of being attacked by rabid pigeons is far greater. Death to pigeons!

Alexander Cockburn is coeditor with Jeffrey St Clair of the muckraking newsletter CounterPunch. To find out more about Alexander Cockburn and read features by other columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2002 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

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