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Saddam's last weekend
by Dave Lewis
December 29, 2006

So this is to be Saddam’s last weekend. So be it. The guy was a dick; let him die. No skin off my ass. The old bastard is even wishing us well in his exit, telling his people not to “hate the U.S.-led forces” –CNN Excellent.

Another barbaric country whose savage inhabitants are one execution closer to democracy.

Excellent.

Do we get to hear about the actual dynamics of the power struggle in Iraq? We might be interested in hear it in plain language...very confusing, of course. If you are an average American citizen, it may be too complex for you to understand...I will try to break it down in simple terms.

Saddam was a Sunni, the small but powerful Muslim elite, the Pharisees of the Islamic culture, if you will...fewer in numbers, but with more of the political power, more of the wealth. The new government, the one we planted, is Shiite...whose population was badly repressed during Saddam’s regime. Now, I am not implying that the trial was fixed, or that this is an example of imperialistic U.S. power-manipulation, but I might point out that three of Saddam’s defense lawyers have been assassinated during the course of the trial, and our administration has all but publicly shit themselves for joy at the news...although Bush declined the chance to pull the trap, he did ask if he could have a photo taken of him field-dressing the body.

But this is unquestionably a great triumph for Democracy. This is certainly a landmark in the war on terror. Never again will Saddam be able amass huge quantities of Weapons of Mass Destruction; never again will the evil sonofabitch pose a threat to OUR Homeland Security. The old fucker will be quite harmless as a pendulum, I can assure you.

I’ve heard rumors that there will be a Special Guest Execution, as well...Osama Bin Laden! His number is up, too! We got the fucker after all, and now he will hang next to his co-conspirator in the Iraqi gallows. Two for One, Democracy Grand Slam! Oh, wait...I’m just kidding. No, no, that foxy fucker is still kickin’ it in the desert somewhere, his weak-ass eluding us as Afghanis whip our asses with the tricks we taught them to use against the Russkies back in the day. Ha, oops...but hey, who would ever have thought that aiding Middle-Eastern cultures would one day bite us in the ass? We sold Saddam all kinds of cool guns and bombs and whatnot...chemicals, you name it. Look what that ungrateful bastard did. No, we have much more luck keeping the dictatorships under our thumb when they are closer to home. Pinochet died not too long ago; the Butcher of Chile was Henry Kissinger’s buddy. We are still heavy with Peru, and George W. Bush called Felipe Calderon in Mexico City to congratulate him before the election results were even published. It’s easier to watch your puppet dictators if they are near; if our administration would learn that they might actually be more inclined to isolationism...and hell, Chavez is a real cocksucker down there in Venezuela, and you know those fuckers have all kinds of oil. They are just begging for a U.S.-led coup...oh, wait, never mind. We already tried that.

But regardless, Saddam falls and jerks sometime this weekend. I really don’t care too much about that at all...he really was a motherfucker. I would just feel better if the stiff swinging had actually had something to do with threatening us, if we are going to get all excited over it. The other day I went to the local school yard, where I saw a chubby kid with early acne demanding lunch money from a little nerd. I walked into the school yard and shot him in the head. Then I went home, ate some apple pie and masturbated while playing video games and eating fast food. Fuck the little shithead, anyway; and at least the schoolyard will be a little safer for now...until the next largest kid decides to whip some ass. Maybe I should teach him how to fight, or give him a gun...