President Donald Trump has announced that a massive new homeless shelter and soup kitchen will replace the East Wing of the White House, which he has demolished.

“This 90,000 square foot structure which I am building without any process or approval from the American people or Congress will stand as human history’s greatest single monument to kindness and charity. 

“This kingly project will certainly win me the Nobel Prize, whose proceeds I will donate toward the expense of housing and feeding hundreds of humans suffering under the weight of the billionaire bonanza that is my regime.”

Trump explains that “throughout history, great men like myself have devoted ourselves to empathy, compassion, kindness and charity.  

“Thus the re-made White House will cement my status as the best American Dictator ever.”

 Trump says he and his fellow oligarchs promise (without putting up any actual collateral) to fund the structure, now projected to cost about one-third of a billion dollars, roughly what he’s suing the federal government for as compensation for his havingbeen investigated for his 2021 attempt to seize the federal government.

“I have determined that those who contribute to this magnificent project will be amply compensated with government contracts and payoffs, as is only Godly and Fair…Our democratic system of ‘one dollar, one vote’ is exactly as Jesus wants it.  This he has personally told me.”

Trump promises to arrest all “radical left lunatic media hacks” who falsely list him merely as America’s third-greatest president, behind George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.  Unlike himself, he says, these two were suckers and losers….Washington had no teeth.  Lincoln got himself shot and wrecked the greatest labor system America ever had, a system I fully intend to restore.”   

Trump further pledges that with the support of the MAGA Movement and Opus Dei, he will oust “that fake Pope Leo” with our “greatest True Catholic,” Steve Bannon, who will transform the Vatican’s assets into a bigly replica of the Sistine Chapel at Mar-a-Lago.  

“True Faith is always found where the real money is,” Trump says.  “At Florida’s much-deserved Shrine of St. Epstein we will honor only the most beautiful women, commemorating those Jeffrey and I personally de-flowered in the Holy Name.”

In honor of the roughly 30 women who have accused him of sexual imposition, Trump insists that anyone seeking food and shelter at his new White House East Wing ballroom/shelter/soup kitchen will get their fondest wish…so long as they can show a GOP voter ID… and the loaded weapon they pledge to use against anyone so foolish as to register as a Democrat.

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“Thomas Paine” wrote Common Sense and Winter Soldiers, & joined Ben Franklin as early advocates for Social Security & Medicare for All.